Desperate Plea

Don't tell the police but I wrote this as I was driving to work this morning. I typed it into my phone and saved it as I haven't mastered the art of writing with pen and paper while driving, not that I intend to. It's a continuation of my previous entry, as I still feel like Dave, the one who's stuck in the desert, not the one who defeated the Giant Pickle.

All of a sudden, I felt as though I was David, the Psalmist. Interesting.

Crying out to God in the car is nothing new to me. In fact, apart from the 'throne room' (ahem), the other place I feel really comfortable praying in is driving my car on the road alone. Today, the words just kept coming. It's not a 'new concept', I think it's pretty much everyone's plea at one time or another but it was my plea for this time and 'position' that I'm in.

I'm still struggling where I am, but at the end of the day, I know I will make it through. He will pull me through.

You are my Strength and my Shelter

When I'm not able to stand

You are my Healer and Protector

With You, I'm on the mend

You are the Author and Creator

My life is in Your hands

What more can I ask, Lord

But to seek Your face?

What more can I do

But to rest in the Secret Place?

What more can I give?
I will lay it at Your feet

Lord, take hold of me

And make me complete

Author: Me

Big Leagues and Little Leagues

I wish I was talking about baseball instead, sounds like it, doesn't it?

This is something I've struggled with for the past week. Something that I feel guilty about yet at the same time, a bit disgruntled. OK, a lot more disgruntled than I let out. Something that I think God's trying to teach me. Patience..... (Now, that's a scary word!) and my motives for doing things.

I'm reminded of the VeggieTales' take on the story of David and Goliath. Dave and the Giant Pickle, to be exact. Yes, I agree, its outline is a bit unusual, but the gist of it remains. At this point in time, I'm pretty much like Dave in the desert, running around, picking up sheep off the ground, not doing anything "significant" or to be more precise, not involved in anything more significant than the brothers would let. And yes, singing the song "Why can't little guys do big things too....?"

Then, of course, you know how the story goes. Dave gallantly fights the Giant Pickle, with 5 stones in his hand, a sling and God on his side, the Giant came tumbling down. Everyone cheers and the little guy got to do the big thing that he's been wanting to do and have been singing about.

I haven't had my Goliath yet, at least, I think I haven't. I'm still stuck in that desert wishing to do more than I think I should be doing. I can do great things too, I'm capable. I can fight Goliaths, I can take on big things, I should be taking on big things. But ultimately, the questions that surfaced are: Yes, I am more than capable of taking things on, but to whose glory will I credit it to; myself or God? To whose righteousness am I standing on; my own or His Righteousness? To whose strength am I relying on; my own human strength or God's abundant strength?

It's no fun picking up sheep in the desert. No fun at all when everyone you know is out there planning on how to defeat Goliath. Doing the big things and not being involved.

But I would rather fight my Goliaths with God on my side than on my own with no one else around. So if it means having to put up with picking up sheep in the desert, I'll do it. If Dave gets the Giant Pickle to pick on in the end, I will have my own as well, in His time. Impatience comes easier than patience, the waiting game is the hardest to play, but in His time, there will be a chance for me.

God Is In Control

Ever felt like life had passed you by without so much as a whistle? Ever felt useless because good things seem to happen to people around you but not yourself even though you've tried hard? Ever felt as though you are inferior to the next person because you are not getting what they are getting or going through what they are going through?

I had that feeling not too long ago. In fact, I've had that feeling before quite a few times in my life. I bet you, I might feel that way in the future but I'll worry for today and not tomorrow. Actually, I don't really want to worry anymore. It's not in my position to worry about things that I can't control.

Feelings of being passed by are just that, mere feelings. Partially attributed to being discontent or worse, envy. (Eek!) I've come to realize that things happen for a reason, things DON'T happen for a reason, and there's a season for things to happen and a season for things NOT to happen. Confused? Don't be.

I came across this song as I was having my own pity party in my room the other day. A song that I wouldn't have played on my computer if I didn't feel a little nudge of interest to LISTEN to the album in the first place. (It's one of those subtle signs that God knows what to do when I don't know what to do.) It was the first song on the album and the only one that had a lot of airtime because I got too caught up in the song to listen to the others. Here's a snippet:

God is in control

We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control

We will choose to remember and never be shaken

There is no power above or beside Him

We know, oh, God is in control

Oh, God is in control

Things happen for a reason, things DON'T happen for a reason. Nevertheless, I will not be forsaken, I will not be forgotten. I do not have to worry, I do not need to feel jealous. I just have to choose to remember that He is in control.

It doesn't mean that God has passed you by if other people around you seem to be heading in the directions that you want to head yet you're still stuck at where you are at the moment. It just means He probably has a different direction for you or it is just not the time yet. God is in control. Just choose to remember that.

I'm trying.

He has never let you down

Why start to worry now?

Why start to worry now?

He is still the Lord of all we see

And He is still the loving Father

Watching over you and me

*God Is In Control - Twila Paris

Keys To My Heart? Hmm.....

Interesting Observation.....

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Procrastination Results In Nothingness

OK, my fault. I haven't been writing in a long while and I admit that I have been "putting off 'til tomorrow what I can do today." Guilty as charged! That and I haven't been focusing on what to write on for the past couple of months.

But seeing as today is the 4th Thursday of November, which means, it is Thanksgiving Day in the US of A so I would like to write a bit about the things that I'm grateful for that I have not been giving thanks for, or rather, occasionally taken for granted of.

The gift of Family - I still have a place I call home, sisters that are now very high tech that we no longer speak that much in person but more often online. A Mom who surprises me with the occasional quirky comment or even an introduction to a different broadband company that I personally haven't even heard of! Aunties that are like second mothers, really. Family, don't you just love them?

The gift of Friends - They come in different characters and personalities, different roles (ie. funny friends, parental figures, sports activity friends, spiritual guides, etc.....), sometimes they clash with mine, other times, we just get on really well, but, all in all, without them, I'd have to say that life would not be as fun as it is right now, even though there are times I'd sing "Can't live with you, can't live without you". How true, though.

The gift of Food - Nothing beats the selections that we, Malaysians, have been pampered with for years! A good beef rendang still hits the spot as well as sushi, we've got local food and international food, so much so that we are truly spoiled for choice. I have to say, to be able to see food, smell food, taste food and digest food is something to be thankful for.

The gift of Providence - I still have a job, whereby, at times I would absolutely abhor my superior, but ultimately, it pays the bills and supports my lifestyle (which isn't that lavish, mind you) and my weekends are off limits for more important activities.

The gift of Time - As much as 24 hours may not seem enough sometimes, I'm glad that I am still able to give my time to do things necessary and spend it on people as well.

The gift of Talent - Even though I don't see it yet others seem to, I guess I've been blessed with the gift of being able to learn things quite fast and having a wide interest in all things related to music, language and the likes. (Funny how I still prefer being in the Science field!)

The gift of a Special Buddy - For those of you who know me well enough will know that I'm unattached, so, don't start getting any ideas. I just want to tell my Buddy that I appreciate our friendship very much, through the rough patches as well as the smooth roads. God couldn't have given me a better friend, that's for sure.

The gift of Life - Need I say more? I am complete in Him, my sins are washed away by His blood, my days couldn't be any brighter, my future is safe in His hands, everything I need will be provided.

I have a few more that I can't seem to be able to put into words, but just in case you see something missing, the gift of Celibacy is not going to be here, at least, I don't think so, but I could be wrong. *grin*

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Day! Many blessings!

Alone Yet Happy!

Before you start getting any ideas, this is not about being single, unattached or whatnot in a worldly view. It's all about the essence of walking with Jesus on a daily basis, in anything and everything that you do. I would like to think that I'm teachable, therefore, if you find that my thoughts are not completely correct, then, by all means, do let me know.

I still remember my testimony when I first shared it with the congregation upon recommitting my life to Jesus, somewhere in November of 2002. I believe that my testimony was not really from the flesh because I knew I couldn't have thought about that all by myself. I understood, back then, the concept of carrying the Cross. The concept of the journey that awaits every believer.

I remember that one point very clear: Go after Jesus alone. Alone. Gee..... honestly, in the human sense, alone sounds, uhm..... lonely. But I get the point, I really do. In this context, I've realized that my walk with Christ is truly my own journey alone with Christ. I can't have someone else walk down the path He has set for me. It is my journey, my walk, my life. Sounds selfish, but in all accounts, it is. It is an exclusive relationship that one has with our Maker. Each is different, each is important but none is more important than the next, for God loves us each unconditionally.

I was at a low point recently and I deliberately avoided the crowd. Deliberately. Some parts of me may have wanted to 'test waters' and see who would reach out and come get me, but mainly, I needed to be alone, or at least, to know what being alone feels like. It is seriously not too bad. In my standards, the 'test waters' part failed because my expectations were not met, but I was truly comforted in my alone time. How? I was assured, that in the event that people did not come for me, or stopped coming for me, Jesus came and would still come for me, time and time again.

I was alone in my humanness but not alone in my spirit. All in all, I've realized the need to be alone, in the Secret Place, where my heart meets with God and where I am assured that no matter how alone I may feel, it is just a feeling, not a reality, for He is with me; always has and always will be.

Be encouraged, you are never alone. God bless.

Running Away (Part Deux)

Yup, this time, I finally ran away for a bit. A tiring but exciting one-day trip down south to the capital of Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur. I was already planning on going down for just one day because a friend of mine was already in KL and I thought, maybe I could hitch a ride back with him. Turns out, early Friday morning, my other friend called up and said, "Shall we?"

Well, why not?

So, immediately after home group, we went over to my house, I got packed (well, what's there to pack for a one-day trip that doesn't even require staying in?) and then headed for the bus station. We hoped for a better bus, but the one that we got, thank God, still managed to get us there safely, so no complaints there.

Our bus left at 11.45pm, got us there at 4.30am. Literally, too early for any public transportation, so we decided to just walk to the nearest train station and waited until 6am. It was still hazy in KL and it was slowly killing my throat. (I'm battling with a cough now!) We met up with a cousin of my friend's, got some breakfast, went over to their house for a quick shower and change and then headed for a long drive around the Prime Minister's office grounds, HUGE ground. Finally met up with our friend that was already in KL, ate at Chili's! Yippee! After 2 years, I think it was a long awaited trip to Chili's. Well worth the RM60 I spent for lunch! Ribs, chicken breast (grilled to perfection), chocolate fudge/brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and finally, not forgetting, the chili itself. I was in chili heaven, really.

Anyway, drooling aside, we spent 2 hours at Chili's and then went shopping before meeting up with a couple of friends studying in KL and then headed home with my friend in his car.

Ultimately, it was a tiring, but interesting time. If I hadn't gotten sick, I think I would've enjoyed it much better, but, all in all, it was still a good time of fellowship and great food. I don't think I had dinner after that trip to Chili's.

I'm looking forward to a longer, exciting trip. I mean, this was out of the norm but life shouldn't get too monotonous and scheduled anyway. Looking forward to more excursions, I hope it'll come soon. Now it's time to gain back the hours of sleep I've lost on the trip.

Song Of The Season

This is part of my "Song of the Day" theme, but this is what I feel for now. It's my song of the season. I'm tired of a lot of things. Basically, I'm really tired. I'm not satisfied. Not at all. There's more to life and I know that He will reveal it in His time. But right now, I want to be hungry, I want to be thirsty. I want nothing of this world to ever have a hold on me except Jesus; my Saviour, my Redeemer, my Solid Rock, my Shelter and my Strength.

I'm tired of losing my reason for living. I don't want to lose my focus anymore. This song is my cry, my cry for a better future in Christ. Don't be content, continue to hunger and thirst for Him.

Believe - Hillsong

I say on Sunday how much I want revival

But then on Monday, I can't even find my Bible

Where's the power, the power of the Cross in my life?

I'm sick of playing the game of religion

I'm tired of losing my reason for living

Where's the power, the power of the Cross in my life?

I'm not content just to walk through my life

Giving in to the lies, walking in compromises now

We cry out as a generation that was lost

But now is found in the power of the Cross

We believe in You

We believe in the power of Your Word and its Truth

We believe in You

So we lay down our cause

That our Cross might be found in You

I'm not satisfied doing it my own way

I'm not satisfied to 'do church' and walk away

I'm not satisfied

There's no love in my life but You

I'm not satisfied living in yesterday's hour

I'm not satisfied to have the form but not the Power

I'm not satisfied

Lord, I am crucified in You

I'm not satisfied. And I'm not content just to walk through life as it is. There is more.

Running Away

"I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again." Sigh..... How I wished that was true. Yeah, I'm on my 'slump' again. The 'slump' of wanting to go some place else and rejuvenate myself. I think I'm either too filled with the monotony of my life cycle, or I'm an almost-empty vessel giving too much of myself to too many things.

I think I'm a little bit of both. I am tired of my weekly cycle, it's not really 'exciting' anymore. I mean, it's sort of expected, in some ways. I usually know what's happening on most days that I don't get 'swept off my feet' over anything, well, at least not yet. On the other hand, I've been active in quite a few things that now, I feel like sitting back and not do anything but watch from the stands.

Hmm..... Maybe I'm being surrounded by too many people whom, at one point or another, are travelling to places or have just finished their travels. I wonder when my turn is going to come. My friends tell me to wait. Just wait. I've waited for close to 2 years already, but that's solely because I am dead set on going to one place only. I need a break, or so I think I do. The question is: When?

Walkin' On Heels

I have an interesting job. Interesting as in, I never knew that I would actually patrol the grounds of my company. I had the obvious displeasure (you'll see why) of patrolling the grounds with my company's security guard today, mainly because I'm taking over my officer's job functions. It's not hard to patrol the grounds as there are only 5 checkpoints. The only mention is, I was wearing heels that day. It's not high, but bad enough to cause discomfort, particularly on rocky tar roads, steep inclines, staircases and grassy patches. Also, not when the ground is wet, as it just rained earlier in the morning.

I wish I could have done this on another day when I'm wearing sports shoes, but that's not the case. It's not like I'm patrolling the grounds everyday, anyway. I sure hope not.